My workplace makes me depressed

Yet I cannot quite put my finger on why.

Is it because the Engineering Postdoc laughed at me when I was going for lunch? He even stopped and asked me if I am going for lunch alone (as if I was a leper). Yes, I am going for lunch alone, because everyone else in the office is so busy that they eat lunch at their desks.

There was a satirical post about paranoia by girlpostdoc, where she mentions "Persecutory Ideation Questionnaire" (McKay et al. 2006, J Nerv Ment Dis. 194(8):628-31) that tests vulnerability to paranoia. I copy it here for your information:

1. I sometimes feel as if there is a conspiracy against me.
2. I feel at times that I am deliberately ill-treated by others.
3. I often feel that others have it in for me.
4. People mean to do and say things to annoy me.
5. I sometimes feel that people are plotting against me.
6. I sometimes feel that people are laughing at me behind my back.
7. Some people try to steal my ideas and take credit for them.
8. I sometimes feel that I am being persecuted in some way.
9. I often pick up hidden threats or put-downs from what people say or do.
10. Some people harass me persistently.

I agree with 4 of the statements in my current workplace. I definitely have a degree of paranoia!

In our group there are five postgraduate students soon finishing (the academic year in Japan runs together with fiscal year from April to March). Two PhD students and three Masters students, all of them were supposed to finish writing and hand in their theses today. So our tiny office was full, there were 8-9 people working in it today. There were not even enough chairs for everyone. I asked one student if his thesis is ready, and he looked at me and said, "No, it is not yet ready", as if it was normal and not a problem.

They are all writing together and taking fag breaks and eating lunches at their desks together. It is not taking any less time then walking to cafeteria, but they create this impression of hard work. And Hard Work is everything in Japan. You must work hard to achieve anything, however they more often then not only create impression of work by spending long, long hours at the desk.

During lunch I met the Boss and the Captain who were having lunch. My boss greeted me with loud and pretentious "How was the conference?". (Voice in my head) "Why would you care? You did not want me to go, and you did not give me any money to go, so sod off". But he continued. "And who did you meet?". Why now the sudden interest in the symposium, while a few days later it was better for me not to go? I do not believe it is sincere.

From the two professors I learned that the students’ deadline was moved to next Wednesday. The students are not ready, because professors give them no guidance, help or support. So the professors extend the deadline. If they helped the students earlier then this would not be necessary. Everything here is "fire fighting", everything is last minute.

And let’s not even mention how a publication that was necessary for one of the PhD students was handled. It was submitted to a Japanese journal, which Editor was a friend of our powerful Boss. The Boss basically phoned and agreed that this publication will be published within the necessary time frame (about a month). And this is a peer review journal! They wrote up an article in about a week, and submitted it for review – to Boss’s pals, who promised to complete the review within a week. For me it is completely immoral. I would not like to become cynical and believe that this is how science is done all over the world…

Another reason for my sadness may be my isolation. I am in the room full of people, none of who speaks to me all day. They do speak to each other. Actually they chat all the time. It is one constant never ending chat. If it dies off, it restarts within a few minutes. Yet I sit there alone, excluded. It is terrible loneliness among other people.

No wonder other people got depressed and quit from this place. I am also contemplating leaving, whatever the price for that would be. I am considering applying for another job in Japan or returning to Europe, and even leaving academia if it needs be. Maybe I do not have what it takes.

I am not longer angry at the system here. I am just sad and unhappy.