Released from prison

This transition period is so confusing...
I feel like “me: Tarzan; Tokyo: urban jungle”...

The last week in my old place has been stressful because of packing and I have been eating a lot... Compulsive eating behaviour...

I felt no confidence in the future or in myself. My confidence was maybe killed by the lack of confidence of Captain in me – as he discarded samples I prepared for them in my last month... He said he cannot “trust” such rushed experiments... All this work for nothing... I could have just stayed at home instead of going to work and trying to make it work for their future!

I feel so scared of the future... I am scarred after working here by the relationships in which I lived and worked for the past year. My self-esteem is so low as a result of the past year, it needs some serious remedial work...

It feels like I want to give up on the next job before even starting – I do not believe I can meet the expectations – I would not know what those expectations are anyway – Young Professor does not have any time for discussion…

My life is a mess. Is this change-induced anxiety? Is this a consequence of having nothing, or all of my things packed away and of being in transition?

What I know is who my family are, what music I like, and the guy I married and I want to be with.

What I do not know any more is whether I want to do science, whether it is worth the personal sacrifices I am making, whether I am having a good time, where I am going and what is the purpose.

Existential fear.