No sense of closure

During packing I had a lot of time for reflection. My friends ask me if I am excited that I am moving to the new job. Actually they do not ask. They either say “You must be excited” as if it were a fact, or they just happily announce “This is so exciting!” Frankly, I am not excited at all. I am simply scared. What if I am not happy there? What if it is me and my attitude that is making me unhappy? Am I just a moaning b.tch? The question comes to my mind and I am asking myself: Will I ever be happy ?

I must be at the stage that I have already forgotten all the bad things and feelings that happened here in this job, even though there were some hatred-induced hiccups (loving hatred from the Engineering towards me) in the last week of my presence in the lab. I guess he just could not bear having me around and had to express his hatred somehow. But it is not even worth writing about, or getting upset by. This is now over.

Yet there is no proper sense of closure. Now I get it how in my old lab in UK we always had good-bye lunches when someone was leaving the group. It created closure for everyone, not just for the leaving person, but for the whole group.

There is no such thing here. I am all alone here. There is the group and then there is me. The outsider. The outcast. The leper. There will be no good-bye lunch for us. I planned to go to Big Old Boss office to at least say good-bye to him and maybe give him some customary Japanese gift, but he emailed me last night that this morning is the last chance to see him. And I was booked with the delivery people. Unlucky. But maybe this was coincidental fate?

In parallel to the relocation turmoil in my life, my friend's father just died. And as I am looking from afar I see how the sense of closure is created by having a wake and then a funeral, where people get their chance to properly say good-bye. I guess it makes moving on and dealing with grief much easier. I wish I had a proper sense of closure with this place and people too.