Emotionally exhausted

Today I had a meeting with Big Old Boss and Captain. It was arranged by email. I am glad I logged in, as I do not usually get any email at my Japanese university account, so I do not check it very often.

“I would like to talk to you on the matter related to the document you submitted to the office yesterday.”

How is that for Japanese indirectness?

I was absolutely terrified before going into that meeting. Good I took a bottle of water with me, as my throat was dry all of the time. The hot time of the year has started, so it was very hot in the office, and I was sweating like a mad woman. My heart was pounding, so no wonder that after two hours of meeting I felt like after two hours of running. I was exhausted! I was only stressed to this extend once in my life before - when passing a driving test for the first time (back then my mouth dried out completely so much that I could not move my tongue or say anything)...

I took a voice recorder into the meeting with me and asked if I could record what is being said. My main purpose was to keep the conversation in-line and to stop any outrageous things from being said.

Big Old Boss was shocked how I could possibly want to record the meeting and what my purpose in doing that was and told me “Absolutely no!” I decided earlier that if he did not agree, I would write down everything that was said in the meeting, for my private record and to have something concrete if I wanted to analyze whether I was manipulated and in what ways. I wrote down 20 pages on A4 paper. Too much to transcribe here.

The main points from Big Old Boss were that I should stay in this job, because I have a duty to fulfill my obligations (i.e. moral duty). He claimed that I changed the reasons why I want to leave and that I must explain to him what my reasons are. He did not accept the reason that I am unhappy, because “these are just excuses, tell us the real reason”. Being unhappy as a reason is “inconsistent” and “not a proper reason”.

BOB told me that I need to make an effort, because they removed the reasons why I am unhappy (moved Engineering Postdoc to another office), and I should be happy now and stay. As if beating my reasons with logic would leave me with no reasons so that I would have to stay.

BOB discussed in detail the deficiencies of my personality and attitude and explained to me that I have “established a bad reputation”. He called my actions “unhuman”, “selfish” and “self-centered”.

Today I experienced and learned very pushy male negotiation tactics, up to the level of making unsubstantiated threats. “You may leave, but you must pay back your salary”. (Captain later explained to me that there is no such thing in my contract). I am so happy that I just read this negotiating book* and that I knew that this is just the way men negotiate (by making threats)...

Finally Big Old Boss left the meeting and asked Captain to continue the discussion to persuade me to stay. This discussion was more honest and putting less pressure on me. I found out that it was Captain who suggested to BOB to call Young Professor two weeks ago. His intention was to ask BOB to negotiate with Young Professor about some peaceful ways in which I could change my employment, so that the situation could be resolved in a way that makes everyone happy. But two weeks ago BOB was not interested in making such a call, because he did not want to know what my plans for future were. I wonder whether the yesterday’s phonecall had any of those initial peaceful intentions.

I found out that after the conversation with Young Professor BOB now believes that YP would not employ me. This is different to what YP told me that he said, but since everyone has their own filters on listening, BOB maybe only heard what he wanted to hear. I find this transfer of information quite amusing, almost like “Chinese Whispers”. But I feel bad that Young Professor was dragged into this situation! At least now I know whose idea this phonecall was and what the intention of the idea originally was.

We reached no resolution at the meeting, Big Old Boss told me that he will destroy my Letter of Resignation and we were just going around in circles, him telling me that he cannot accept my resignation, and me telling him that I am unhappy and that I have made my decision.

After the meeting I was so exhausted and so emotionally drained that I could not do anything else. I just wanted to go to bed. I went home. This meeting was the only thing that I did today.

Tomorrow I am moving into new accommodation, so my private situation will be temporarily more sane now, while the situation at work grows more insane. Next week an international visitor arrives for two weeks, and if we do not reach any resolution now I am afraid we never will within the timescale I have for decision making - I would like to decide my summer plans in the first week of June.

*”Women Don't Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide” by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever. I highly recommend it to both men and women.