Breaking up is not easy; quitting a job is not for the faint-hearted

In my last week’s post, which was a snapshot of the spring 2009 in my life, I have come out with my intentions to quit my job as a postdoc here in Japan.

All of last week I have been deliberating on what is the best way to do it. Until the time of that post (end of April) I did not even know how real the possibility that I would indeed move to work with Young Professor this summer is. I thought that maybe the summer start was just his wishful thinking, and their bureaucracy will say “hey, not so fast!” as they usually do here at the private university...

There was much discussion between me and Young Professor about the starting date, I was expressing interest, he was expressing interest, but we lacked decision making capacity between the two of us. We both wanted to just politely suggest the possibility, but not be the one who decides and says “Let’s do it then!” This would impolite and there is so much emphasis in Japan to do things politely and by the book.

Finally Young Professor realised that if he wants the June start that he was suggesting since the first time we met, we must act NOW! First deadline for the employment application was set to 7 May, but there was a long May holiday here in Japan, and 7th was the first day back to work. As this is an important holiday time here, and everyone is actually taking the holidays, the deadline was shifted and now I am in the last minute rush to close up shop in my current place of work.

Last week I knew I must tell Big Old Boss about my intentions of leaving immediately, but with the holidays Thursday would be the first opportunity to do that, and there was a new visiting scientist starting here on that day so I cowardly* left it till Friday.

YP first suggested that it is a common practise in Japan to give “personal reasons” as the reasons for quitting the job, even in there are bigger and more important reasons behind. Later though, he realised I would be in Japanese academia for a while, and it would be best not to make any enemies in such situation. He explained that I owe it to my boss to give some reasons in order not to create any bad feelings. Well, of course there will be bad feelings if I quit a job for whatever reasons! I would not fulfil my contractual obligations, so it is bad anyway. Yet somehow I must justify why I want to leave.

Politics of Japanese workplace with its high levels of politeness and group- and harmony- orientation resembles a big intrigue. There are even special terms to illustrate the dichotomy of the feelings one might have, honne and tatemae, on which I wrote a separate post. The reason I present for my leaving should be the tatemae reasons and not what I really think (honne).

It is difficult, even for myself, to understand why I want to leave, what my honne really are, as this is very complex situation. I have been angry for many reasons, I had some unpleasant/rude behaviour directed towards me, and the project was delayed for administrative reasons and for lack of organization and willingness on the part of my co-workers reasons. It was all accumulating and led me to search for other options, but I grew to be quite co-dependent in this situation and feel quit “in”, the way that in Stockholm syndrome the victim bonds with their oppressor. I was growing more and more unhappy, but I was leaving any action “till later”. Yet I was making preparations for leaving as I knew that it would be probably best for me. Now came the moment to act and do something about the things I was unhappy about. Since there was no chance anything would change I knew deep inside that I have to leave.

The actions I took in the last month on the job-hunting front meant that I have to quit now. If I want the June start with Young Professor I should give my resignation at the beginning of May, and since we had this long holiday, it had to be done this Thursday or Friday. It was time for action without delay.

I planned what I was going to say when lying down in the bed at night, my heart pounding from the stress of the imagined situation. It was not easy for me to fall asleep this week; I was very tense with anticipation of the difficult situation that I was going to encounter.

After lunch on Friday Big Old Boss came to our building for a moment, just to tell me that they were talking about important things at lunch time (and tell me off that I should have been there) and that Talented Postdoc is going to tell me. He was not even going to directly communicate with me, but asked a postdoc to pass information to me, even if he was there, standing face to face with me. I asked if I could come to his office later to come and discuss some important issues.

When I came to his office later I first explained what the atmosphere in our office in the recent months was and how this was difficult for me and that I decided to leave this workplace. I suggested the problem is between me and a particular senior person in our group and that I have good relationships with everyone else. We talked a lot about “this particular person” without mentioning any names. What shocked me was an admission that they (BOB and Captain) knew that the situation in our group was not very good. They knew that animosities were developing between me and the Engineering Postdoc, yet they never did anything to remedy situation!

I also explained that I searched for other opportunities and that I had another offer now. Big Old Boss changed the subject, and did not ask me where I wanted to go. Later I found out from Captain that BOB did not ask me, because he did not want to know about it. It was all too embarrassing for him.

He plead to my sense of professionalism as a scientist, told me that they (him and Captain) trusted me and that they believed I was professional and capable scientist. By this he suggested that if I leave I would be betraying their trust...

I was actually impressed with what he had to say about the situation, how it arises from misunderstandings and miscommunications and that good will and patience on both sides is needed. If he wanted to solve this problem, he could actually be quite a good mediator. But he does not wish to intervene, instead just hopes that the situation would go away. He recommended that I try hard to be nice and live with it. I must sacrifice for the project, only for another half a year, to fulfil my contractual obligations.

He explained that leaving would be a selfish option and even if it is hard for me to work here, I must make sacrifices and adjustments and finish the science that I started. He simply does not see the option that I could quit. He does not accept this. It seems like workers in Japan do not have any rights and my behaviour is quite shocking: I want to pursue what is good for me and not for some project!

He explained that he understood what I felt and that it may seem like a good option for me, but I must respect that he has a grant and this work must be done, therefore I should sacrifice and stay here till the end of contract.

“I understand how hard this situation is and what you feel, but I do not approve of your choice of action.”

The meeting ended with him telling me that he cannot accept my resignation.

From the legal point of view I only know the translation of my contract, which is in Japanese, and it says that I need to get permission to quit the job, but there is no explanation what happens when I do not get permission.

Young Professor explained to me that Japan is not any different to Western countries with the employment law: “You are not a slave worker. There is definitely no law which bind you on the present contract against your will.”

I also talked to Captain, as I have good relationship with him and explained my situation. He understands my decision, but he is worried that if I break the contract this makes “a very bad situation”, and that BOB will be very angry and may hurt my career, because he in good relationships with many senior professors in Japan

This situation is now quite stressful, and not just for me, but it must be even more stressful for Big Old Professor. I feel sorry for him and very guilty that I want to leave this place and abandon the people here and show them in their face (causing much embarrassment!) that it was / is not a good workplace... I actually care for people here, all accept one, or I maybe even like him a little bit too, just because of pity, it must be a stressful live to be him!

There is so much emphasis on relationships here, and I do feel bad for breaking up my relationships, my relationship with Big Old Boss, my relationship with Captain, my relationship with Talented Postdoc and my relationship with Happy Puppy. With the younger guys I feel the motherly sorrow as if I were abandoning my children, and with the older guys as if I were abandoning my family. Telling them I am moving out even though I know that they need me. I feel bad for being selfish and prioritising my own needs above those of people around me.

I feel this situation as a clear analogy of breaking up a relationship. This idea was brought from reading Toaster's thoughtful post about relationships ending (Mad Scientist, Jr. blog). I felt for a while now that this relationship is not fulfilling my needs, yet the other side wants me to give them another chance and give it some time to see whether it would mend itself. They tell me I should try harder myself and sacrifice myself for the sake of it. But it does not quiet agree with my values of integrity and looking after myself...

I understand that BOB is not happy and I feel sorry for him, yet I do not want to "sacrifice" for the sake of some data on this project. But I am upset that he is upset, or that I have upset him.

And I feel that by not saying anything about the problems earlier, but keeping it all to myself, my, oh my, I must come across as such a secretive, manipulative and dishonest person... Where did all my values go???

Now see what Japan does to your thinking in the above paragraph for yourself. You begin to loose your identity and individuality and begin to associate your image with the group of people with who you happen to be working, Not good. I am not in control of my own mental processes!

I feel so guilty! Is the guilt the new fear? I love the motto “Feel the fear and do it anyway!”. Maybe I should rewrite it “Feel the guilt and do it anyway!” as my new motto?

My friend once said “flat-hunting is b.tch” when I had a hard time with it, now I see that “quitting a job is b.tch” too!

*to be able to disappear for the weekend and let the worst emotions (against me) dissipate