Summer 2010 Snapshot: Bitter-Sweet

This post is my contribution to August 2010 Scientiae Carnival. This my time capsule for Summer 2010, a place where I am having a look at the past year and taking a snapshot of the present moment. It is also a part of my “Best Year Yet” exercise in reflection and goal-setting. This post will focus on what has been and what has happened and my plans and goals for future will come in a separate post.

For the last three years I did my “Best Year Yet” exercise in spring, usually between February and April, so this year I am one season late with it. It’s because I was afraid to look back on my life for the last half a year. I blinded myself to past and future and only lived in the present. The past was to painful to reflect upon, and the future too scary to face. I lived in avoidance of reflection and goal settings and decided to take this Carnival as an opportunity to finally face my demons.

In October 2008 I took a year long postdoctoral contract in Japan, and soon I was very disillusioned with living and working in this country... My May 2009 Scientiae post was titled “I am going to quit any minute now”. Here's a snapshot:

“I am at the stage of my career where I need to continue postdoctoral research to build up publications portfolio.”
“All of this [..] made me into quite an unhappy postdoc.”
“Since about January I was so unhappy in this workplace that I wished to quit next month and I was investigating options that would allow me to do just that. I now live month-to-month thinking that my misery will end very soon.”
“My mindset could be summarised in one simple sentence: ‘I want to get out from here! How do I do that?’”
“While my job continues to be a nightmare for me, in my private life all is well. I am very happy with my husband and I appreciate that he came here with me. I have made wonderful new friends”
“Where I am now in my life I see some hope.”
“For about two years now I live with constant uncertainty about my future. I do not know where I will live and work in two months time, let alone trying to figure out where I will be in five years…”

Last year has been a whirlwind time. I have moved to a new job, and now I am in a great group with a great boss and many opportunities. Yet I am still only half-happy, I continue to be semi-disappointed and lacking on energy or enthusiasm for my work… It is as if the failure of the last year and the resulting depression cast a shadow that I am dragging behind me, even though I am pretending I do not see it and that I long lost it. I am just afraid to turn back and see that it is still behind me.


Am I where I thought I would be over a year ago?

I am physically and rationally. But not emotionally. I am not as “sorted” as I wish I would have been, and the great personal sacrifice I am making (living half-a-world apart from my husband) is tougher to ignore than I originally though it would be.


Can I remember my goals for the 2009-2010? How far have I come since then? What have I accomplished in that time?

I quit the job - but four months later than I wanted… and with a big bang and in negative atmosphere…

I started a new job - but I am still disappointed with the way things are in Japan… and I cannot even complain, because this place is so much better for me, yet in many terms still as isolating at work as the old place used to be… This is partly why I was blocked to blog, since I felt I should not be complaining about the new better place, and that I should learn to appreciate it more. Therefore I just went into denial and pretended problems did not exist. And some of them are eventually sorting themselves out with time.

I have moved five times thanks to my ex-boss messing with my head and me not giving-in, which now left me in the constant fear of changes that may come unexpectedly, and left me scarred, unable to unpack, and living with most of my things still in boxes for about eight months since my relocation (lack of space and time for unpacking notwithstanding).

I have submitted a fellowship proposal - but it had not been accepted.

I have tried to help my sister’s problematic relationship, and I gained her (now ex) boyfriends friendship. As a consequence I have lost my sister’s friendship and she now does not talk to me at all.

I have finally started regular study of Japanese language, for which I had no opportunity in my previous location, and what had contributed heavily to my isolation.

I have bought and read many excellent books.

I have made some new friends in Tokyo.

I have bought a guitar, which I yet have to start playing. No time! Where is it all going???


What is going on in my life right now?

I am going to go to a big conference overseas in two weeks time. It is the highlight of the year for me, and I have been stressed about it since April. My research results are still half-baked, in progress and I feel not ready for the presentation, yet I have to do it. I have to move forward and go there are show the world what I am doing.

I am planning another post that will deal with my goals and future plans, but not sure if I manage to do it before the conference. Please stay tuned!